Disclaimer

Working for an ISP, I get a lot of calls from folks who don't know much about using their computers. However, there is a big difference between a newbie and an idiot. I genuinely enjoy the opportunity to share the knowledge that was given to me when I can help someone who has a problem and is willing to make the effort to learn and solve it.

It's the IDIOTS that get to me... the ones that think the VCR is part of the dog or that the computer should automatically do their bidding because they are human and therefore smarter than it is. The ones unwilling to put in the time and effort to buy a clue are the ones that I mock. I will never mock someone for asking a question while trying to learn.

A tech support call usually starts with a whiny "Help! I can't get online!"   To establish why, I must go through the customer's settings, line by painful, tormented line. They are required only to listen, follow my direction, and read what they see on the screen. I, on the other hand, must grind my teeth, repeat myself four and five times, give basic vocabularly lessons, and struggle desperately not to weep openly or kick office furniture.

I usually begin with a simple question, "Are you running Windows 95 or 98?" I've had some really cracked replies: "No, AOL", "Microsoft Something", "Windows 97", and the best one of all, the Customer who said she had Windows 94:

Support:  "That's not possible, Win 94 doesn't exist. Is it 95 or 98?"   Customer: "It doesn't exist? Does that mean I can't get Internet?"   Support:   "No, it just can't be 94. It's probably 95 or 98. I can show you how to check..."   Customer: "I live on Main Street."  What do you do with that?!

Then there was the lady that responded, "Oh, dear, I don't know anything about my computer... all I know is that I have the one that looks like a VCR. I don't have the round one. It's the one that looks like the VCR. Is that what you need to know?" Um, not exactly.

Next they are asked to open the Control Panel. Or at least they used to be, until someone asked me if he needed a screwdriver for that. I told him that he just needed to click on the Start Button and Settings, and he told me he didn't see anything like that... all he saw was this big box...

So I tried "Let's go to My Computer" on the next one... and got "Now, how am I supposed to get to your computer when I can't get online?"

These are the same type of people who call and ask me if I can see what they're doing when they're not connected... they type a user name and then pause, and ask "Is that right? Did I type it right? Oh, you can't see what I'm typing?"

While going through the settings, you can sometimes start to draw out what really happened. "Well, my nephew's cousin's sister-in-law's brother's boyfriend's uncle by marriage was over last night, and he was trying to program my hard drive to get V.90." Great. "But you told me you hadn't made any changes to your system."  "Oh, no, I haven't. All the icons are still on my desktop."  ARRRGGH!!!

Check the Idiot Archives for more Tech Support Horror Stories!