I know a kid trying for a Darwin award, or at least an honorable mention.

Incidentally, the Darwin Awards may be found at http://www.darwinawards.com and http://home.tiac.net/~cri/darwin/darwin.html among many other places.

But anyway, this kid keeps injuring himself... stupidly. (As opposed to those that injure themselves in a clever and intellectual manner.) He is in fact a very bright boy, and dexterous as well... he just can't seem to pay attention to the complex things in life, like walking. The other day, he walked up and asked, matter-of-factly, "Do I have tire tracks on my back?", like it was something everyone needed to know from time to time.

Now, I know there are few of you that could resist asking the boy why he might be concerned about tire tracks on his back. But I know all of you out there are positive and supportive and would never demand through mocking laughter, "Why, ass, did you run yourself over or something?" Certainly we all know I would never ask a child such a thing.

So even though I would never ask a child such a thing, the boy took it upon himself to produce a TOTALLY UNPROMPTED (yeah, right) confession that ran something like this....

"Well... I was riding my bike like this (hands in "holding handlebar form" raised far past the point of sanity) and I flipped over... and then the tire came down on my back... and..." Yeah, okay... one thing led to another and it just happened, right?!?

I cut him off to inquire as to whether the offending tire in fact belonged to the bicycle he had been riding at the time of the incident. Assured that it in fact did, I ever-so-tactfully pointed out that by definition, he had therefore run himself over. Resigned to his ridicule, he made a face and said what he always says when someone gets the best of him, and only because he is not yet old enough to say what the rest of us say when someone gets the best of us.

This same boy....

-- Took a nice slice off one of his thumbs while cutting a bagel... a bagel that was already precut in the package.

-- Had to be taken to the hospital from Boy Scout Camp because he shoved his hand into the campfire.

-- Routinely walks into walls and doors, bashes his cranium on the bedpost, and trips into or out of the sunken living room, often going sprawling into the dining room.

His perseverance and determination in his quest to do himself in is commendable, but those of us obligated and dedicated to keeping this particular child alive (at least until he is 18!) wish that he would find a new hobby!