Welcome to the series we have all been waiting for... When Cars Attack! These are the frightening tales of what a little brain cramping can do to an otherwise calm experience... dealing with your car. It's not always "Get in and turn the key"... sometimes the cars fight back. They have been known to take off unbidden... and empty. They have tried to swallow their owners alive, run them over, and one extreme case even saw a van take revenge by carrying a mechanic away... clinging to its grille! *Warning: What you are about to read has actually happened. Makes and models have not been changed to protect the innocent. DO NOT try any of these stunts at home... without calling me first so that I can report on it for the list! And above all, DO NOT make your car angry!

Installment 1: When Cars Escape!

A slightly older car had run out of gas on its way into the parking lot of the apartments in which today's victim lived. Tired and thirsty, this car had served its master well, though unrewarded by fresh gas to drink that day, and was too dry to go on. The poor vehicle sputtered and died. The victim fetched two of his roommates and began unceremoniously shoving the car slightly uphill toward the parking area. They chose to leave the driver's seat vacant to avoid the added weight. There were not enough roommates for one to get a free ride.

Now there's a funny thing about little hills -- they don't look big until you're on the downside. The three pushing the car were barely able to keep up with it enough to make the right turn for the road leading into the apartment parking lot. After making the turn and finding that it was downhill there also, versions differ on what happened next. The human says gravity took over. The car, however, viewed it as a last ditch attempt to get away... maybe escape and get restored... live out its life in a showroom somewhere, being ooh-ed and ahh-ed at by collectors... maybe a spread in Car and Driver.... some supermodel on his hood....

For those of you that remember the movie Spaceballs, you recall Rick Moranis standing on the bridge during the pursuit scene yelling, "Ludicrous Speed! Ridiculous Speed!" I can only imagine a Spaceballs-like yell from the owner as he achieved what can only be called "Desperation Speed!" to catch his car. Unfortunately, much like roping a steer, catching the car was only half the battle. The other half was actually stopping it. In the immortal words of the owner, "Jumping into a moving car is a lot more difficult than you'd expect."

The trouble is the position you suddenly find yourself in when you leap into a moving vehicle. Immediately after your usually-headfirst leap, you are laying across the front seat. You have a better chance at that moment of pushing the brake pedal with your head, particularly because your legs are still outside of the vehicle. And dragging, if you're not careful. You're just not in a normal sitting position. You have the special challenge of trying to bring most of your body inside the vehicle while simultaneously righting yourself and applying the brakes.

Fortunately, our hero is dexterous and managed to stop the runaway... only to have to push it back up the hill because it had overshot the proper parking lot entrance.